The Reality of Changing My Life

Things aren’t always as easy as they should be

There is one thing I know for sure having lived the life I have. I am not a lucky man for whom things come easy. Everything I have gotten in life has been won from kicking and screaming and fighting against whatever it is in the universe that has it in for me.

No, I am not looking for pity.

It’s just that I learned from a very young age that if I wanted anything, I was going to have to go through hell to get it.

As a kid, I saw that I didn’t want the life my parents wanted to give me. They were Jehovah’s Witnesses, and in their reality, we had to give up what everyone else had to get eternal life, and to get that for themselves and us kids, they were willing to live a life that others did not – separate from “the world.” They had hope that one day this wicked system would be destroyed, and in its place would be a paradise earth which they could live forever in.

The way they read the bible, was what was promised to them, if only they kept themselves separate from the world and served God. Their bibles and literature all told them it would happen soon, so they planned for it and raised us kids to do the same.

But I knew from a young age that I was different. I didn’t believe as they did. I couldn’t take what I was being taught at face value and live a simple life serving God. I didn’t believe the things they did even though I read the same bible they did. I didn’t see a promise. All I saw were lies, and I promised myself that as soon as I could, I would get away and have a different life.

I broke my parent’s heart and in the process, broke myself, because as soon as I got out into the world, I saw I was different from everyone out there too. I couldn’t find a place I belonged. Back then I didn’t know it was because I was both neurodivergent and mentally ill.

But, I fought, and in the process found a family, but I broke them too. I lost a wife, and almost ruined the lives of three boys who called me father. They came out alright in the end. They didn’t get the same poisoned mind that I was “blessed” with. They live lives I could never have - normal lives. Happy lives.

I struggled and knew if I was going to survive, I had to learn to live in the real world. I had to learn to live with a mind that sees things abnormally. I had to learn how to live in a world that didn’t fit me.

Eventually, I found someone else and had another family.

Before I finally got my feet under me, I almost destroyed this family as well.

In 2015, it all came to a head – a lifetime of pain and suffering, and running from who I was as a person, as  a man. I tried to end it all instead of trying to keep fighting but something kept me here.

Something told me to try one more time. And I did.

And even though I almost died again in 2022 from a heart attack, I learned how to live with the noise and chaos in my head. I figured out how to come to terms with the things my sick brain tried to get me to believe.

I grew as a person.

I started talking to the people who loved me and improving.

I graduated college.

Nothing came easy, but through the battle, I found myself. Life kept battering me, but I kept putting one foot in front of the other.

And now, it’s 2024 and I am starting a new journey, a new career, a new healthy life.

After figuring out how to live with a disordered brain, now I am starting to heal my body, and my relationships, and build a future for my family. We never had a chance before, but we kept fighting and now the future is starting to look hopeful.

We are still being battered – financially we still have a way to go, but we are on the path and walking in the right direction.

I’ve had to fight every step of the way, but finally, things are starting to go our way. Life is changing and we are changing along with it.

It’s a new year, and as I look ahead, all I can see is hope and fulfillment.