I “Disappeared” for Over a Month

Where have I been?

There are two groups of people reading this right now. On one hand, there are the people who have followed me for some time, and they are saying, “where the hell have you been?” Then there are the others who don’t really know me and could care less. They are most likely asking, “who are you again?”

Whichever camp you belong to, I wanted to give you a look into my life and what has been happening to me for more than a month.

I went on vacation to the USA to see my kids, and while I was there, I wanted to enjoy just being with my them, so I didn’t create much content during that time. I planned on jumping in with both feet when I got back, but things went south for me in a bad way.

I don’t usually believe in bad luck, but since I have been back it’s been one thing after another. My car and tv broke, I lost money in two separate ATMs, and my mental illness came back to haunt me in full force and I have been struggling to keep it together.

To say that the past few weeks have been hell is an understatement. From the moment I open my eyes in the morning, I have been plagued by severe anxiety that makes even the small things that much more difficult to do. I can’t seem to get my mind to cooperate long enough to string a few words together. This is one of the few times I have thought somewhat clearly recently.

And then there is the depression, which stems mostly from the things the voices are telling me. The voices have been relentless, to the point that when I lay down at night, I am so exhausted that I just fall into a fitful sleep. Then come the night terrors, or nightmares, if you will. My sleep is filled with disturbing and disruptive images and sounds, and I am suffering because of it.

My wife had to go back to work, so that has left me the caregiver for my autistic 3-year-old, who is a handful on his best days. I love spending time with him, but my anxiety turns me into a helicopter parent who follows him around everywhere, worried he might get hurt, worried he will choke, worried he will fall - worried, worried, worried.

He is generally fine most times, but every time he chokes on a piece of apple or tries to climb up on the counter to get a cell phone stashed there, my anxiety is back.

The past few weeks have been a shitshow, to put it mildly, and I am hoping the new year will bring less angst and better luck. I can’t believe the number of bad things that keep happening. I usually have bad luck, but this is really taking it to a new level of disturbing.

It is sad because my whole life has been like this. Financially, I can’t catch a break, and I have never been able to get out of this rut and back on a gentle path again. I wish I had a do-over because I am feeling like this life was a wash, and it will never get better.

Do you ever feel like nothing good will ever happen? Do you ever feel that your life is just one train wreck after another and it will never be smooth sailing?

I don’t like to complain, especially to strangers and fans, but I feel like there are a lot of people out there that are feeling just as I do, and I know you can relate. Every time I write an article or essay about my mental health, I get loads of messages from people who can relate.

So, if you are having trouble this holiday season, feel free to use my comments section as a place to vent. Cry, complain - feel the self-pity you have been holding back and just let it go. I will always listen, so if you need to get rid of some dead weight, this is the place.

I’ll be waiting.