Do Men Do Enough Around the House?

Most men ask this question

My wife is a warrior who manages our chaotic household like a hero.

We don’t by any means have traditional roles in the house. I consider myself a househusband because I clean and take care of the kids. It doesn’t matter what it is, from the bathroom to the dishes — I’ll do it. It’s not that she is expecting me to do it, she doesn’t say much about it either way. But I know that even if she works less than I do, she gets tired from everything that must be done around here and the last thing she wants to do is clean up after she has been busting her ass all day.

She handles all of the cooking because she has convinced herself that I am worthless as a cook. By her standards, I am I guess. I don’t really do Filipino dishes, although I can cut up vegetables and add them to a pot as well as she. One time I made a meal that was less than (it was burned a little and couldn’t convince her that crunchy is better) and that was enough for her to decide I shouldn’t be anywhere near a kitchen.

I try not to make her cook that often. Most times, we order from the local area. Ever since the pandemic, local kitchens have sprung up, not to mention GRAB, which is the UberEats of the Philippines. I tell her to focus on the kids, and I will fend for myself, mostly because of my plant-based diet, but oftentimes she will surprise me with a healthy meal. I am a bit particular because I adore her cooking, so she knows that I would rather eat her food.

I try to do all the dishes. Her hands respond badly to the soap and she gets rashes and dry skin, which is painful. But oftentimes, she will get to them before me. Also, we used to send the laundry out, but we have been trying to save money and wash at home. She handles most of that. She doesn’t think I do a good enough job. It’s better now that I bought a fancy automatic washer, but there is still some handwashing that has to happen because of the setup of our water.

When she isn’t working her “regular” job, she always seems to find tasks around the house that I overlook or mean to do later. Most of the time she doesn’t say anything about it, but other times, she gets irritated and angry and wonders why she is doing everything.

There is just so much that she takes upon herself to do around here that I either haven’t gotten to yet or just don’t take the initiative. I know that guys will often use the excuse that they are clueless, but I really am. I just don’t think that way, constantly looking for things to do around the house. We approach the house in different ways. When she is watching our toddler, she is often doing other things like folding laundry or sweeping. She is an excellent multitasker. I am the opposite, and when I am watching our child I usually try to do research, read, or look for topics to write about. I am always thinking about work, she tends to focus more on what needs doing in the house.

I know she wants me to do more without being told, but the things she expects me to take on are ridiculous at times. I don’t think that way, I don’t automatically know that the curtains need to be changed because they are dusty or I need to sweep under the beds. I find a lot of what she busies herself with to be obsessive because she must have a house that looks like a museum, so she is always stressing about stuff like arranging drawers or sweeping the patio. A lot doesn’t change around here, but the stuff she seems to find to do is always new, and I am somehow supposed to know everything that I should be doing.

When I see her doing something that I missed or never thought of doing, I always feel bad, and many times she will make sure I feel bad with a passive-aggressive comment. But, with everything I have to do to keep up with my work and find things that need to be written, I cannot keep up with everything she wants me to do.

I haven’t even talked about our major source of work — the autistic four-year-old. I can work anytime, day or night, but my wife has to put in a certain number of hours a week, so childcare often falls to me. I do everything, I am not shy.

But with what I have to do for my clients, my writing, and the work I need to put in for my business, it’s hard. I already feel I am not putting in enough hours working as it is. It seems I never have time to do everything that needs to be done. I often feel I could have become successful by now had I not been distracted with busy work around the house, and I could focus for more than a few minutes at a time.

My wife feels the same way.

But we both work from home, and the baby is at an age when he needs almost constant supervision. We tend to be helicopter parents (something we are working on) because our son gets into everything and needs to be watched. We hate just sitting him in front of the TV or with a device to get any work done, that is what we have to do most times. One or both of us is always with him, and it makes finding time to work rather difficult.

We end up losing sleep. The wife gets up early and I stay up late, even though after my heart attack, I promised I was going to sleep better and take care of myself. But, if we don’t, nothing gets done, and people are expecting both of us to deliver the things we promise.

The other thing I’ve been told is that I am not present for my kids. As I said, I am constantly working, even when I am watching the kids, so I’ll have a phone in my face, scrolling, or my laptop next to me. Right now, my son and daughter need me to be there for them, undistracted, and I am doing a terrible job putting any focus on them. But I already feel I am not spending enough time working. I am always behind and there are too many things that need to get done.

How am I supposed to do it all?

I am not even going to get into the fact that we have no time for our relationship, and intimacy is suffering because of our schedules. It doesn’t even seem like we have time to turn around and scratch our asses anymore (or each other’s for that matter). Both of us are affection-starved and want to have sex, but there just is not time or privacy.

So yes, I feel like I am not doing nearly enough around here. I don’t have the energy at 55 that my wife does, and by the time the day is over, I am exhausted. Even then, I still feel like I need to somehow fit more into my day because I always see my poor wife doing up a few dishes or taking out a load of laundry before bed. I always see her with a broom in her hand.

I feel worthless every day because I don’t want my wife to feel like she can’t count on me. I want to be doing all those things I should be doing. I want to be a multitasker who has endless energy, spends time with the kids and wife, and is not distracted. I want my wife to feel like she can focus on herself once in a while instead of being responsible for the care of everyone else.

Does that make sense?

I want to do more, but I don’t know where the time will come from, I already feel like I can’t fit anything else in my day.

And I know my wife would agree with me that it would be nice if there was just one hour in a day that we didn’t need to be doing something. I got rid of Netflix because we never had time to watch, but once in a while, I just want to kick back and spend time with my favorite YouTubers.

I hope when the baby gets a bit older, he will be more independent. Right now, he is a handful, and it would be nice for him to be able to spend some more time doing things without us watching his every move. Is every 4-year-old this difficult? I realize he is autistic, but it just seems like he is everywhere and has eight hands grabbing everything and sticking keys in the electric sockets.

Maybe we are helicopter parents. He is improving with therapy. He is picking up words and phrases and starting to talk. He is playing and is ready for potty training. I am starting to wonder just how much of this is us being overprotective. I am beginning to wonder if we didn’t dig our own grave by teaching him not to be independent, or am I overthinking everything again? I like to think we give him as much attention as he needs, but the damn manual doesn’t say anything about how much time is too much time for his own good.

So maybe if our parenting style was different, we would have more time, but I think if that were the case, considering what a ball-breaker my wife is (and I say that with love) I would still never feel like I am doing enough for her or the general well-being of the house and our kids.

Is this a ME problem, or does this happen to everyone?

So, I ask men in relationships — are you doing enough around the house or are you lost like me?